Just Another Brick in the Wall. . .

Imagine having an internal argument in your head, where you literally feel worthless all the time.

I feel worthless alot, and talk about it here alot. I am such  a self centered person for real. I complain about other people, but I have just as many, if not more faults. I bully myself more horribly than anyone's ever bullied me in my life, and I still do it sometimes.

Damn I hate her.

And this post makes no sense. It just sounds psychotic.

...Time to take a trip to the basement.

I've been reluctant to post my BDSM fascination on here, mainly because it's such a controversial issue. Not only that, but it's frowned upon in our society. I think the main reason why people react so negatively to it, is that they don't understand it. They assume that it's all about a bunch of "nutjobs" whacking each other with sticks. That's not true, at all.

Sadomasochism is a defined mental illness in any of the psychology books I've read, but it's a part of me. I'm a masochist, and I can't deny that any more than the fact that I'm submissive sexually. Now, does that mean that I'm a weak little female that lets men walk all over me? Hell no! I think my previous blog entries can deter people from thinking that. I can have a much bigger guy on the floor within seconds. I'm strong, and that is why I can submit. It takes true strength to submit to someone.

Well, my mind has been wandering. The past few weeks I've been looking up more and more info on it, and the more I learn, the more I want this. I decided to join a BDSM dating site, not looking for a partner, but looking for people into the scene, to learn more. Well let me tell you, I've gotten the most annoying messages. These guys, ordering me around, and acting like I owe them something because I happen to be submissive.

First of all..back off. I owe you nothing. You haven't earned my respect.
Two, you're NOT my Dom. My Dom has to earn my submission
Three, keep calling me "girl" and I'll internet slap you straight across your face.

This had led to several conclusions that I must be a Domme. I am not a Domme, and I know this for sure. I receive no pleasure from being sadistic. I just don't deal with people's crap, and my lifestyle dominant side comes out when people mess with me.

But so far it's been interesting. I'm gaining so much knowledge about what I want, and how I can eventually have it.

Other than that, today was a great day. I went to see The Dark Knight with some of my friends. . . but all day I kept thinking about Justin, which made me extremely depressed. Then I was even more depressed because I saw a guy that happened to look just like Dave. 

Dave...

Ha. What a loser.

I actually realize that now. He had to use me, some 16 year old kid, to feel Dominant and good about himself. How pathetically dumb of him. But at least some good came out of our relationship. I learned more about my sexuality. It's getting easier to mentally slap myself when I feel my emotions getting out of hand.

Sometimes I need a good slap.

No word on Justin...I'm dying inside. The only thing keeping me going is Insane Clown Posse

This is exactly why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhWgLhh4c5Q

Insane Clown Posse has to be the greatest  group out there. They're literally bashing all of those annoying hypocrites...and singing about things I feel. It's just in a really really dark way..which I kinda like. I like dark lyrics, because I'm just like that.

...So yeah. ICP for life.

...I am beyond upset right now.

My friend Justin..tried to kill himself.

...I just cannot believe it. Or maybe I can. I saw sadness in his eyes, a silent, raging anger within him. I knew he was in pain. I think everyone did. I tried to make it better, but I couldn't. Let's face it..when you're that fucked up, the only thing that makes you feel good is the blade across your wrist, none of that sissy bullshit.

It's unfortunate that the world is that fucked up..that everything is so dark..so dark that a young kid would want to take his life in the form of an overdose. All of those perfect, generic little fucking pills in his body- to destroy him and kill the person he is. He wanted to self destruct and end himself. He just wanted to do it faster than everyone. .

I want to see him, but I can't. It's silent in my house right now. The ringing of the phone is still blaring in my ears. I heard Emily's voice, quiet and sad as she told me. That kid I knew..that person I knew, so good inside, gave in to his self hatred finally, and tried to do it.

How many nights have I been in such pain, that I couldn't breathe? How many nights have I wanted to end my life, because it would be so much easier than finding a way to survive in this horrifying fucking world we live in, a world where I understand evil. I understand what evil is now. It's the kind of thing that lives inside of all of us- and tries to eat us up, and laugh while it does.

It could have so easily been me.

The rumor is- his ex girlfriend was pregnant..but it wasn't his. Because Justin like me, has stuck to being a virgin.

..That pain. Knowing the person you love is sleeping with someone else..that horrifying pain. I know what it is. It almost killed me. Cindy almost killed him. Dave almost killed me.

Well fuck guys! I am so done with them. I am done with relationships. I am so ready to be independent. Here, I can never be hurt like I was. Maybe I can just live my life the way I want to- without some fucking guy interfering, picking me up, hugging me so tightly, making me feel so perfect, then dropping me while he runs to his fucking slut. And her laughing in my face, while I'm left there to cry. To fucking cry on my own, just so he can have what he wants. Because I never really mattered anyway.

I wonder if Justin cried before he took those pills. I wonder how many nights he spent crying like me before the evil voices finally took hold of him.

I'm crying so hard right now, I can barely feel my hands. I want to see this kid so bad, and hug him, and tell him that everything will be okay. I want to do for him what no one has ever been able to do for me, because they're all so fucked up.

Everything is so fucked up..It's like, I can't ignore how sick this world is anymore. It seems like it's getting darker..all around. There's this evil entity taking over..I Feel it.. I know it.  It's there, and I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Goddamn Justin. You idiot! Why didn't you talk to me about it? I gave you my goddamn number. Didn't you know that I cared? Didn't you know that I'd always be there for you, you fag???

Goddamn!

I wonder how many years it's been since I was able to live.

It seems like I've lived in a world where bullshit surrounded me from every angle, all because a few people couldn't see the light. I wonder if I can change to see the light, so I can help others be that way too.

I used to live in a world completely dominated by running, by beating everyone and gaining honor through victory. It seems that I've never had any honor, because honor does not come from the useless defeat of others in some high school sport. It comes from understanding yourself from within, and doing what is right.

Somehow I feel I am separated from the person I used to be on so many levels. I've always felt so confused, and so different from everyone else. Somehow I've always been noticed, I've always stood out. For some odd reason, I'm "different." I'm learning to accept that difference. Maybe I can help the world.

Maybe all of my pain and failures weren't really failures at all. Maybe God gave those experiences to me to show me how strong and able minded I am to pull through.  I don't really know why I've done anything that I've done, but it could be all for a greater purpose.

I've always felt as though God put me on this earth to do something..I've never been sure. Maybe it's to become a great runner, or stop people from being hurt like I, and so many countless have been injured. I don't know. Either way, I'm going to find out. And there's just no turning back from here.